Thursday, 1 April 2010

Good Friday thoughts

In my quieter moments I occasionally talk to God. Honestly. Not in the Churchy, on your knees or face down kissing the floor type of thing which he says is flattering and terribly sweet, but looks rather undignified, and on one of his occasional off days, plain hilarious; but rather in a two buddies out for a beer kind of way. Like as follows;
Bill; "Great sunrise God. You're on form this morning."
God; "Cheers, Bill. Nice to see talent appreciated."
Bill; "Yeah, pity about Monday. Shocking. Too much grey."
God; "I know. I was a bit preoccupied."
Bill; "Really? I thought you were above all that. It's not Dawkins is it?"
God; "Oh good me no. Best advertising I've got is old Dicky. Love the man."
Bill; "Yeah, but Dawkins is always trying to prove you don't exist."
God; "Cute isn't he? Great at giving priests a kick up the arse. Pious bastards."
Bill; "You don't like priests?"
God; "Not really."
Bill; "Hold up a minute. Aren't priests supposed to be your representatives on Earth?"
God; "Look Bill, you're mostly a fairly smart guy, but sometimes you're thicker than a plank sandwich. How many churches and faiths are there?"
Bill; "Er, quite a few."
God; "And which one is the right one?"
Bill; "Ermm........ Dunno."
God; "Exactly! Pass me another beer will you? Now what I'm saying is this. Holy Joe preacher wanders off into wilderness to find me."
Bill; "Hang on, you're omniscient. He doesn't need to visit the wilderness."
God; "Good boy. That's what I try to tell them. Do they listen? No."
Bill; "Eh? So how come they cook up all these religions."
God; "No idea."
Bill; "Yeah but you're all seeing all knowing, right?"
God; "Yup."
Bill; "So couldn't you straighten matters out by doing something?"
God; "Last time I tried it got old JC here nailed to a tree. He's still upset about it two thousand years on."
JC ; "Bloody priests. Be nice to everyone I said, and the next thing I know there's this bloody Roman Legionary giving me a sympathetic nod as he's hammering the nails in. Hurts you know."
God; "All right, all right. No need to keep hammering it in."
JC ; "But that's exactly what they did."
God; "Enough Joshua. No use dredging up the past. Bill here was asking why I don't intervene more and I was trying to explain."
JC ; "Waste of time. I'd just build extra space in hell and recruit more demons."
God; "Now, now. That's enough. You see Bill, the problem is this free will malarkey. It's built in. Most people don't use it. Well perhaps they misuse it is what I'm trying to say."
Bill; "Right. So you're telling me you don't do miracles and that?"
God; "No... Tell a lie, I do sometimes do the odd one to keep my hand in. Or rather I send the Angels off to have a bit of a laugh. Gabriel is a right sod, and Michael, well, let's just say he likes to play fast and loose. Tinkers, the pair of 'em."
Bill; "So what have all the religions and temples got to do with you?"
God; "Dunno. Never go there."
Bill; "Hold up a minute. So all these big temples are...?"
God; "Just bricks and mortar, and sometimes just odd bits of stone."
Bill; "Blood and sand!"
God; "That's been tried, too. The religion game has been known to attract some fairly bloodthirsty types."
Bill; "So religion is..?"
God; "Nothing to do with me. Are we going fishing this evening?"
Bill; "Why not?"

BTW. God likes Monty Python. Here's his favourite bit from 'Monty Python and the Holy grail', although he says the beard makes him look too much like Karl Marx.

1 comment:

Angry Exile said...

"Really? I thought you were above all that."

Oh, you bastard. Tea came down my nose when I read that line.

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