Thursday, 21 January 2010

and tonight's thrilling episode of.......

Herlock Soames and the case of the missing thermometers; Part 1

Now the story can be told in three (Two? Four?) not so chilling episodes.

Scene: A small set of ‘rooms’ not very far from Baker St, London, England. Present are Herlock Soames, investigative journalist and his friend (But only in the most platonic of senses), Hodson.

Soames; (Lighting highly illegal ‘herbal’ cigarillo and wafting the fragrant smoke into Hodson’s face) They’re missing, Hodson.
Hodson; What are?
Soames; (Cryptically) Thermometers Hodson, thermometers.
Hodson; No it isn’t, I can see ours from here, it says minus eight. I can’t wait for this global warming to kick in.
Soames; (Sighs heavily) I do not refer to our amusing combined barometer, clock and temperature gauge where the little man comes out, drops his trousers and farts the hours. I speak of the world wide temperature records upon which ‘the science of Global warming’ is based.
Hodson; Pardon?
Soames; Like you my dear Hodson, they are apparently missing something.
Hodson; Don’t be ridiculous Soames. Who would want to steal climate science?
Soames; Climate thieves, Hodson. Devilishly clever Climate thieves. Evil men without scruple.
Hodson; Soames, you‘re being more cryptic than usual. How can anyone steal the climate?
Soames; Not the climate Hodson, the temperature record.
Hodson; Why on earth would anyone steal temperature records Soames? I do wish you’d lay off the wacky baccy, it makes you too obtuse by far.
Soames; I speak of a villainous cabal led by my old arch enemy, Manniarty.
Hodson; (Shocked) Not old ‘ringer’ Manniarty?
Soames; The very same.
Hodson; Good God Soames, the fiendish sidekick of the wicked Prince of Yamal?
Soames; None other but the Pennsylvania hockey stick maniac.
Hodson; My God Soames! We must act!
Soames; I already am acting Hodson, do you think I speak like this in real life?
Hodson; Well I had wondered….
Soames; There is no time to waste Hodson! We must thwart their evil plans.
Hodson; But how? Manniarty has the whole of CRU and even worse, the BBC, behind him.
Soames; There is nothing else for it. We must find each missing thermometer in the climate record, Hodson. Every last single one.
Hodson; But, but, they deleted the source data, Soames. The original records are gone. Thousands upon thousands of temperature records through the shredder and deleted from hard drives. It’s an impossible task! Only a fool would even attempt it.
Soames; (Turns around swiftly) Am I a fool, Hodson?
Hodson; No, no, of course not Soames, and would you kindly take that ornate but razor sharp Malay disemboweling dagger away from the vicinity of my testicles please? It always makes me nervous when you do that.
Soames; Sorry Hodson, force of habit.
Hodson; (Nervous swallow) Thank you.
Soames; Hodson! We must away! The game’s afoot! Break out the sled dogs!
Hodson; We ate them last week. Don’t you remember? PETA said keeping dogs as pets was bad for our carbon footprint.
Soames; The fiends! No matter, I have a plan.
Hodson; This wouldn’t be a cunning plan would it?
Soames; Is there any other kind?
Hodson; (Sighs heavily) No, I suppose not.
Soames; We must catch these climate thieves by the most devious means available. Hodson, you must travel to East Anglia disguised as a snowman. There you will introduce yourself as a bosom friend of Al Gore and illicitly gain entry. Once inside you will find the secret data files, stuff them into the pockets sewn inside your snowman suit, and saunter out, whistling the theme from ‘the great escape’.
Hodson; (Wearily) So I have to wear the silly costume as usual.
Soames; Correct! Off you go.
(Exit Hodson carrying white snowman disguise)

Whatever will our two desperate heroes do next? Can you wait for the next scintillating episode? No? Do you care? No? Oh what the hell.

1 comment:

The Filthy Engineer said...

Well, I for one would like to know how the adventure ends.

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