Thursday, 28 January 2010

And another not so thrilling episode of.....

Herlock Soames and the case of the missing thermometers; Part 2

Now the story can be told in another of the three (Two? Four? Five? Who gives a shit?) not so chilling episodes.

Scene: A darkened warehouse-like room where three men sit around in high backed chairs facing away from each other. Number One is fiercely gripping an oversize barometer. Number Two sits behind a stack of papers, waist high, upon the top page of which can be seen the legend ‘IPCC AR4’. Number Three is stroking a white Persian Cat. Their faces remain in shadow.

Number Three; So gentlemen, have we decided what the weather is to be for the next fifty years?
Number Two; (Hastily riffling through the stack of paper in front of him) Er, hotter, much hotter! Glaciers and ice caps gone. Not even enough ice for a Martini gone! The report says so, so it must be true.
Number Three; How much hotter?
Number Two; Er… Don’t know, Number One won’t let me look at his Barometer.
Number One; (Petulantly) It’s my Barometer, and I don’t see why I should let you see it! It’s mine, and you’d only misquote me if I did!
Number Three; Very well. We shall announce that the Earth will warm by ten degrees Celsius and all the Penguins will melt if people don’t give us all their money. Does anyone have Moonbats phone number? He’ll believe anything we say.
Number One; Deniers! Filthy scum! Hate them all! They can’t see my Barometer! It’s mine I tell you! Mine!
Number Three; Have we dealt with the Thermometer issue?
Number One; Har har har! Thermometers? We don’ need no stinkin’ thermometers!
Number Three; Excellent. Gore can deliver the message, as usual. Number Two?
Number Two; Sir?
Number Three; Have you got Google to delete all the blogs of those wicked Deniers?
Number Two; Cunleys doing it sir!
Number Three; Has he succeeded?
Number Two; No sir.
Number Three; Oh dear, this is so troublesome. Measures must be taken.
Number Two; Shall I call him in?
Number Three; Immediately. (Enter Cunley, a tall hippie like man carrying a toy Polar Bear) Ah, Cunley. We understand we gave you a task.
Cunley; (Visibly nervous) The Denier blogs?
Number Three; Yes. Are they deleted?
Cunley; (Swallows nervously) No sir, Google won’t do it. Not even in the name of Al Gore.
Number One; (Mumbling feverishly) Denier scum wrecking my work!
Number Two; You know the penalty for failure Cunley.
Cunley; (Panicking) But Google wouldn’t do it because they said it suppressed free speech.
Number Three; Hmm?
Cunley; (Falls to his knees, openly pleading) Please give me another chance! I won’t fail you again.
Number One; Only one penalty, har har har.
Number Three; Cunley, I’m sorry to do this but you really do leave me no option.
Number Two; Only one penalty for failure.
Number Three; Indeed (Pause) I will have to cut off Number Two’s funding.
Number Two; (Screams and falls to floor twitching knocking papers everywhere) NOOOOOOOO! Ah! No funding! ARGH! No career! NOOOOOOOOO! (Two white coated men enter and drag his feverishly twitching body into the shadows)
Number Three; (To Cunley) Sit down please. (Cunley takes Number Two’s chair) You are the new Number Two.
New Number Two; Who is Number One?
Number Three; You are Number Two.
New Number Two; Can I be Number One next week?
Number Three; No.
New Number Two; Owwww.

From the deepest shadows in the warehouse-like room a soft voice, barely more than a whisper is heard.

Soames; The fiends!

Thats ends episode two of the case of Herlock Soames and the missing thermometers. Can you wait another week for the next thrilling installment? Would you want to? Well tough monkeys…..

1 comment:

Mr. Xyz said...


A relatively tame Hitler parody video

"As chief operating officer for the cabal of Billionaires who control the global warming scam, Hitler quickly realizes the long range implications of "Glaciergate"."

Glaciergate: Hitler's Last Straw

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